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A woman’s last name

Posted by on Jun 29, 2010 in Essays, Images, Personal | 5 comments

A woman’s last name

What’s in a name? What’s in your name? Firstly, its what identifies you as you. What ever that is.

JournalI, like many teenagers, had issues. I suffer from anxiety and depression on a mild scale. During my teenage years, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was a deeply dark and depressing wreck. My family was (and still is) largely opposed to any sort of psychological help. It may have caused more issues, but that’s another story. I wasn’t quite suicidal but glamorized “sleeping forever”, which is essentially the same thing. I was never a believer in the afterlife, even way before I realized my atheism. For those who do believe, suicide is a sin. For those like me, who don’t, suicide is the most pointless idea in the possible realm of ideas. End your lucky stay on this wondrous planet? Suicide is a lose-lose for everyone. I never threatened it either; I was just depressed and wore a good deal of dark clothes (even during the summers in Miami). Since I was not allowed to see a psychiatrist or counselor, I began writing. A lot. Mostly stream of consciousness journaling and poetry. Its surely what saved my mind from going nutty.

This, in combination with general teenage-hood, made me feel pretty crappy about myself. As I aged, I started to like myself again. My college years were formative in the friends I made. The real change happened once I  moved to Los Angeles. The laid-back atmosphere of the west coast – compared to the uptight east coast – didn’t hurt either. The people who say LA is phony must have never been to Miami. (Or even the south.)

But I digress. Living on my own and getting into the working world was the second push for me into being an optimist and lover of life. Due to everything, the name Rose Schwartz sounded ugly to me for many years. And I had finally learned to love it.

Why I didn’t take my husband’s last name

My husband has a very unique and cool last name. If I would have taken any name, it would have been his. Many people have assumed that because his last name rhymes with my first name is the reason I chose to keep my own. Actually, that was one of the reasons I would have taken it. Rose Broze? How awesomely unique is that? But it just felt wrong.

Feminism: The radical notion that women are people.

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People would ask me after I got married when I was changing my name. I would sometimes simply say “I’m not” but sometimes I felt offended and would utter “what’s wrong with mine?” 25 years it took me to love my own name. And now I have to change it? That, in conjunction with my general feminist attitude towards life, afforded me my only choice. Do nothing. ;)

Being that I don’t desire children, having a family name wasn’t a concern. But I do understand that concern. No kids like having hyphenated names.

Equality

Feminism is all about equality. And for me, a name change, doesn’t make me feel equal (although my hubby totally does). Also, he completely understands my view and has never said boo about it.

Are there any other reasons for a woman to take a man’s last name that I may have missed? Can anyone enlighten me to the other side of the coin? I have not heard convincing reasoning as of yet.

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  • JM_Shep

    Hi! I came over from the Friendly Atheist, and I wanted to say something here. As a woman starting my career (which happens to be in science) I am beginning to start my career with my ‘maiden’ name. If/when I get married, deciding whether or not to take my potential husband’s name will depend on a few things:
    1-Is it cooler? I have a pretty unique last name, so his better be cool to oust mine. Also, a hard to pronounce name is good for screening calls. If they can’t pronounce my last name, they don’t know me and want money from me.

    2-Am I established in my field with my name? This is important. I have been published and will continue to publish with my name. How much will that affect my career? What if I’m teaching by then?

    3-My desire to have one name to describe our cohesive family unit. Not important to me now, but will it be by the time I get married?

    Hope that helps!

  • Cara

    Hi! I saw a post about this blog on the Friendly Atheist.

    When I got married, I had pretty much decided to keep my last name. Apart from the hassle of relabeling and reapplying for all important legal documents, I felt I was established in my career field with my maiden name and I didn’t want to have to reintroduce myself to my colleagues. It seemed old fashioned to me to take his last name. Why bother, in this day and age?

    However, when I asked my husband if it was important to him for me to take his last name, on a scale of one to five, he said without hesitation, “Five!” His explanation? Baby, I love you, I’m proud of you and I am so proud that you’ve decided to be my wife. When I introduce you to people, I want there to be no confusion that you and I are a team. I promise it will be the last time you ever have to change your name and I will make it worth your while.

    When he put it that way… I was happy to make the change.

  • http://roseschwartz.com Rose Schwartz

    Cara, that reasoning your husband made sounds more like he’s the team captain. That may not be the case, but a name change in order to be a part of a “team” doesn’t seem very equal or fair.

  • http://www.olivenyc.wordpress.com Olivia

    Read this post on Friendly Atheist, and here’s my reason:

    I’m not married, but I’m in a long-term relationship. He is 6th-generation born-and-bred in America, a mix of Northern European and has a very generic Irish last name. I am first generation Chinese-American. If we ever do get married, I don’t want to lose that part of my heritage. If I changed my last name, I would no longer be able to write my name in Chinese!

  • Valerie

    Rose, your reply to Cara was exactly what I was thinking as I read the post. As romantic as Cara’s husband’s speech may be, would he change his name to her maiden name? If not, then that is not an equal team.

    My personal view is that because it is assumed, I’d rather not change my name. I’m married, and remember visiting an Accident and Emergency with my partner. We gave his details, then they asked my relation to him. I responded wife, and the receptionist swiftly typed in ‘Mrs ‘. I then had to explain that I was actually ‘Ms ‘. And then answer her and her nosy colleague’s questions about why. That’s reason enough not to change for me.

    The one equal solution that we’ve thought of doing when/if we have kids, is to change both our names to something new. Of course, it wouldn’t reflect either of our heritages, but as a wife I would be expected to lose this anyway.

    Final note: Did any of you watch the most recent Doctor Who finale? There was a point related to name changing which made me whoop!