I had a very small wedding. I don’t know if I wanted a big one but I wanted a secular one. I wanted a comedian to perform a very short ceremony followed by a more-casual-than-most type of reception. Since I had to have the Jewish ceremony, I opted for inviting no one but close family. The ceremony was long because rabbis don’t do short ones. We had the shortened version; it was at least thirty minutes. The rabbi was more concerned with getting paid than following any Jewish tradition anyway. He was fine to hold it before the sun went down on Saturday (due to Shabbat).

My father was happy so that’s what matters, right? He essentially disavowed one of his sons (my half-brother) for becoming a Christian. He said he would have had nothing to do with me if I were gay (so, no, I could never tell him about my bi/pansexuality). Parents don’t always prescribe to the mantra of “unconditional love”.

Because my father was unhappy with his sons from a previous marriage, the need for me to not be the disappointment often weighed heavily on my shoulders. I gave in because he said he’d pay for it. My mother really talked me into, too. Perhaps one may think that, as a mother, she’d empathize with me even in some small way. She didn’t.

I wish I would have run off to City Hall rather than sell out everything about me.

My point is this: Do what makes yourself happy. You may regret putting yourself on the shelf later on. In times of need, you may wish to put your needs on the back burner for loved ones but don’t so it for too long. While I recognize that it is may be of utmost importance to put others before you in times of need, this was not a time of need.

My father was happy for one night. Now he’s gone and I’m regretful forever.

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The Reason I Initially Went

My back hurt. Neither practitioner used woo-ridden phrases or spoke of realigning chakras. Both cases involved back-cracking and massaging. I didn’t realize it was considered “alternative” medicine for some time. I just knew that chiropractors were the butt of the “doctor” joke, but so are dentists. The more recent time I went, several years ago, the practitioner gave me exercises that really helped my back in the long run. He helped me to realize how I was sitting, and how it was contributing to daily pain. I am now aware of how I sit. Though, it could be argued, that I should have been initially.

Being Skeptical, Asking Questions

Is there a line drawn between chiropractors and massage therapists? Is there any good, to you, that can come out of either?

I see how chiropractic can potentially be very dangerous. I realize that even more now. Can massages be dangerous?

My Life as a Joint Cracker

Since I was quite young, I’ve been cracking my back and other joints. I stopped when I heard some ugly rumors that I later found out were untrue. Then, I started again. Sometimes I have to make that area feel better and it often works. Is cracking joints considered a non-skeptical thing? That makes little sense to me, but I can’t find exactly were the line is drawn. The devil’s advocate in me wants to ask: What if your knee pops and feels better?

I try not to worry about too much about what others think but I like to be aware of scientific studies and the general reputation of things. Are there any studies I’m out of the loop on?

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Most of the beauty products marketed to women (and, more recently, men) seem to be full of empty promises. I can’t speak about every beauty product out there in one sweeping remark but I’d bet that most them are unnecessary lies.

It’s about time that men finally get a piece of that pie, though it’d be best for no one to have to receive messages selling us solutions to help us be what we “should” be. Moreover, solutions that don’t even work. Some scar creams do work, at least anecdotally. I’ve used cocoa butter that really helped some scars fade; I can’t seem to find how anecdotal or verifiable that is. I can also see how some acne medications work, at least in some cases. As far as many other marketed products, I can’t help but think it’s mostly just a void money-maker.

As far as ageing creams go, hydrating is probably useful for skin. I can see how general lotion may help skin, at least make it feel better. To me, where I fist started to call bullshit is the differentiation between eye creams and face creams. Sure, your feet might need a thicker cream whereas a light lotion would feel better on your face. But why is an eye cream specifically for eyes? No one has been able to answer this. From those pushing a certain product just say to “buy it” or “use it” without ever telling me why. How is this string of ingredients I don’t understand better than that string?

Exfoliating helps slough off dead skin cells. I get that. Whenever I buy a face wash, I look for salicylic acid, as I’ve found it to work wonders on blackheads. Also, not living in humid weather also helps me, though I’ve heard those with dry skin prefer the moisture in the air for their skin. I also have many other reasons for despising humidity but I don’t need to go into those now. :P

Diet pills are the funniest. I actually tried many different types in college. Even with diet and regular exercise, none of them worked. Though, my workouts are always a bit half-assed. When a diet pill’s claim says they must be used with diet and exercise, how is one to know if it’s the diet pill that worked or just the diet and exercise? Other than speeding up your system (and metabolism), I can’t see any of them working. Unless it’s coke or speed, I can’t see them being that effective. And as soon as a drug is known to be effective, it’s scheduled/banned due to other dangerous side effects (like ephedra).

There’s some skepticism in health products (which overlap) but not much information that’s easy to find concerning the science in beauty products. They often make nonsensical claims, saying bizarre things that are sometimes laughable. Using interesting graphics, marketers make them seem just as cool as filmmakers make hacking or even going online (many years ago) look cool in movies. Maybe this is one reason to account for the imbalance of women in skepticism. However, I don’t see as sharp of an imbalance as others do, there is some. Maybe occasionally focusing on some of the typical claims made to women is a place to start?

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Instead of tossing away the word all together or replacing it with something like Equalism, I just need to specify. In 1992, Christina Hoff Sommers coined a couple of phrases in her book Who Stole Feminism?. There are two main branches of feminism, according to Sommers, that make a lot of sense in my world view: equity feminism and gender feminism. Equity feminism is what more people adhere to, though gender feminism is the majority position in academia. I never took women studies courses but I’ve certainly learned a lot via self research, which can be argued to be just as good.

These are terms coined by a single woman, so not everyone will see eye to eye. Yet, this way of putting it brings many things to light.

Equity Feminism

I am an equalist. I believe in equality in most every avenue. At least as far as in the work world, I value equal pay. Then again, I also think it’s sexist to expect men to pay for everything “just because”. Sexism can and does apply to men just as much as it does and can to women. And everyone in between. ;)

I don’t think women should be masculine or men should be feminine, only if they want to be. I don’t think anyone should be anything they don’t want to be. I believe people should feel comfortable in their own skin; if that bucks trends, who gives a shit?

Gender Feminism

Gender feminism, according to Sommers, describes a gynocentric and misandric branch of feminism. Personally, I am not a fan.

Directly or indirectly, many ideological feminists have repeatedly argued that women are psychologically, morally, spiritually, intellectually and biologically superior to men. This was more explicitly expressed in the late nineteenth century and early twentieth than it was again in the 1980s. That mentality is now pervasive – not only in academic circles but in popular culture as well, where it will no doubt endure far longer.

I don’t think women are better than men. What makes that, in itself, not sexist?

I also don’t believe in blaming some people of a particular group for something someone else did, nor do I think it’s appropriate to attach a past to a group now living in the present. For example, blaming all men for a certain sexist behavior. Simply said, I think that’s wrong.

I like to treat others as I like to be treated. It just makes good sense.

Here’s My Bitch

If you raise women above men, where do transgendered feminists fit in? Gender feminism seems to forget all about a minority that it often discarded. Cisgender isn’t something many of us who are lucky to have been born in the correct body (for lack of a better term) think of very often. But it doesn’t make cisgenderist issues go away. Personally, I don’t believe in a gender binary but a spectrum. Just as I see sexuality as a spectrum, gender is as well. Not everyone agrees and I realize that yet it doesn’t answer any of my questions, just tries to stop them from being asked.

Moreover, lifting women above men creates more problems; it does not address the equality issues. I don’t think women are better than men. Many women do. I don’t see how this is different than other forms of bigotry.

Giving men and women specific roles or rules to follow is archaic. Gender roles are not something I care for, obviously. I don’t think women have to follow certain rules or that men should either. Other than the legality concerns, no one should be told how to act.

Equity feminist is what I will refer to myself as from now on, not simply feminist because that doesn’t really say much to me anymore.

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Recently, Allen West said Debbie Wassermann Schultz is unladylike just prior to Michele Bachmann having her rarely debilitating migraines. Regarding the Wasserman-Schultz/West debacle, I do think that what West said to Wassermann Schultz was not only rude but completely out of place. Who is he to decree what is ladylike? That’s my first annoyance. Not to mention, he sent this email out to the entire House! Talk about ungentlemanly. I get the feeling he doesn’t think she’s ladylike because she’s speaking out as he, a man, does. If so, that is very sexist. Now, the fact that he demands an apology from her instead of the other way around is just maddening. Why would Wasserman Schultz have to apologize for his rude remarks? Sexist or not, it makes no sense.

Representative Allen West is a Lieutenant Colonel. In the military, if you said something like that, you’d be busted so fast. It’s very un-military-like to have such little respect for your peers and say anything close to what he said/wrote in the manner he did it. He should know better. West plays the military card whenever possible, but only to his convenience. Another thing to note is that he’s new in congress, Wassermann Schultz has been there for quite some time. He’s trying to fight up and make a name for himself. It’s fairly common these days. That alone is not sexist but throwing around terms like ‘ladylike’ as an offense is just too far.

Michele Bachmann’s instance is much different. She has migraines and I understand. I’m a bit jealous that her meds are affordable while mine aren’t but that’s another post. I do not fault her for having migraines; there are many other reasons I oppose her. The backlash against her has been called sexist, though I’m not so sure.

I have an inkling that her competitors, on all sides, want to bring her early numbers down. Most republicans know she’ll have a much harder time beating Obama in the general election than a moderate Republican. And many democrats just don’t like her. I think that’s a reason they are using everything they can to attempt to destroy her name. Though, some say it’s because she’s a woman. Women are more likely to get migraines, but those numbers are changing. Men have traditionally been known to get more cluster headaches, which can be confused with migraines. It’s really hard for a physician to figure out the type of headaches a patient gets, especially with varying symptoms. I’m not even sure what type of headaches I get. I’m starting to think they’re an undiscovered kind.

I have sympathy for Bachmann in this particular instance and will not use her migraines against her. Is it sexist to says she’s unfit due to them? I’ve heard many people saying she’s unfit as an excuse to get her out of the ring. I don’t think it relates much to her being a woman, though I could be wrong.

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Dear Muslima

Stop whining, will you. Yes, yes, I know you had your genitals mutilated with a razor blade, and . . . yawn . . . don’t tell me yet again, I know you aren’t allowed to drive a car, and you can’t leave the house without a male relative, and your husband is allowed to beat you, and you’ll be stoned to death if you commit adultery. But stop whining, will you. Think of the suffering your poor American sisters have to put up with.

Only this week I heard of one, she calls herself Skep”chick”, and do you know what happened to her? A man in a hotel elevator invited her back to his room for coffee. I am not exaggerating. He really did. He invited her back to his room for coffee. Of course she said no, and of course he didn’t lay a finger on her, but even so . . .

And you, Muslima, think you have misogyny to complain about! For goodness sake grow up, or at least grow a thicker skin.

Richard

It’s an awful argument. Applied to atheists, why is he taking a stand against the pope? Those in religiously-ruled countries have it much worse.

But if he said it in another way, would there be the same uproar? There’d probably still be some. Dawkins clarification response should be paired with his first statement, in all fairness.

No I wasn’t making that argument. Here’s the argument I was making. The man in the elevator didn’t physically touch her, didn’t attempt to bar her way out of the elevator, didn’t even use foul language at her. He spoke some words to her. Just words. She no doubt replied with words. That was that. Words. Only words, and apparently quite polite words at that.

If she felt his behaviour was creepy, that was her privilege, just as it was the Catholics’ privilege to feel offended and hurt when PZ nailed the cracker. PZ didn’t physically strike any Catholics. All he did was nail a wafer, and he was absolutely right to do so because the heightened value of the wafer was a fantasy in the minds of the offended Catholics. Similarly, Rebecca’s feeling that the man’s proposition was ‘creepy’ was her own interpretation of his behaviour, presumably not his. She was probably offended to about the same extent as I am offended if a man gets into an elevator with me chewing gum. But he does me no physical damage and I simply grin and bear it until either I or he gets out of the elevator. It would be different if he physically attacked me.

Muslim women suffer physically from misogyny, their lives are substantially damaged by religiously inspired misogyny. Not just words, real deeds, painful, physical deeds, physical privations, legally sanctioned demeanings. The equivalent would be if PZ had nailed not a cracker but a Catholic. Then they’d have had good reason to complain.

It’s sad when people are afraid to say what’s on their mind due to a perceived threat of unpopularity. And the fear that someone with a bigger megaphone will call you names. So fucking what? I speak for myself, I never claim to speak for anyone else. And I’m tired of being scared.

In my opinion, what the guy did in the elevator was not creepy…unless I’m missing something. Please tell me I’m missing something, that there is something more. According to the facts I’ve read of the situation, a man asked a women for coffee. What ever he meant by it, it doesn’t matter. Woman refuses. Did he insist at this point? What makes him a creep? I’ll tell you this: it is hard to get face time with Rebecca Watson. It’s virtually impossible. I went to TAM last year and never met her. I met just about everyone else I wanted to (though I did miss some). I can certainly see timidity in trying to talk to her.

I honestly feel like I’m missing something so I don’t want to opine too much about the elevator incident. What Richard Dawkins said was insensitive and inappropriate but his intention wasn’t that far off. An unwanted invitation for a date/conversation/sex may be annoying but it’s certainly does not deserve all this attention. Attention that I’m giving it. Right now.

I said the other day that I don’t think hitting on someone is innately sexist. It surely can be but the action in itself isn’t sexist. I’m not going to apologize for saying that and I will not accept the title of a “gender traitor”. If I hit on a man or woman, is that inherently sexist? When does it become sexist? After something sexist is said or done. Now I wasn’t there in the elevator so I have no idea what his body language was. Not that’s there anything scientific about body language but there are clues, sometimes very obvious, that people give off. Someone invading your personal space, being a “close-talker”, would be creepy. Standing with your arms crossed versus leaning casually on the wall may send different signals while asking a question. In regards to Elevatorgate, I haven’t heard much about that yet.

That doesn’t mean what Dawkins said was apt or appropriate. But I don’t think it was sexist. He’s defending the women of Muslim countries who have no one to speak for them. While it was insensitive and bone-headed, I don’t think it was sexist.

One thing: please don’t tell me that I’ve never been assaulted so I don’t understand. It’s a ludicrous thing to say not only because I have been assaulted, but because it’s just a dick thing to say.

I am reminded of Phil Plait’s speech from TAM8, Don’t Be a Dick. It doesn’t just apply to skepticism and atheism. It applies to everything, or at least the original (Wheaton’s Law) does.

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I don’t want to discuss this specific incident so much as to get at a broader point. In my view, hitting on someone is not innately sexist. It surely depends on what is specifically said. Nasty comments about someone’s looks or invasion of personal space can make an unwanted advance creepy.

But it’s all time and place. When I was a single woman in college, being asked for coffee at 4 in the morning may have elicited a response of “I’ll come up but I don’t want coffee.” Fast forward to years later, it could be a completely different story. When making a move on someone, it is always advised to take into consideration what the other person is experiencing. However, we cannot always know. No matter how I slice or dice it, I still cannot blame someone, anyone, for taking a chance. I also cannot blame someone for feeling creeped out by an unwanted advance.

I consider myself – and always have – a pretty hardcore feminist. I believe in equality across the board. I think “Ladies Night” is sexist. Feminism is not about man-hating. The basic tenants of feminism state that women should be equal to men. However, everyone has their own take on where that may lead. And that’s perfectly all right. As a sex-positive feminist, I do not think hitting on someone is innately sexist. If that’s the case, we’d all be guilty of sexism. We may all be guilty of being creepy at some point, but probably not sexist.

I’ve been attacked before, as I’ve mentioned on my Tumblr as part of another rant. I was caught in a small space with a very creepy guy. I literally thought I was going to be raped. Luckily, he just wanted to show me who’s boss and run away. ಠ_ಠ Basically, he touched me inappropriately and yelled at him to GTFO. He left and quickly came back, pinned me down for a bit. (This occurred in a vestibule of an apartment, as small as an elevator. And still, I never heard of an unwritten elevator rule.)

This has nothing to do with feminism. This is a just something that happened almost ten years ago that I thought I’d share.

As independent women, we are in charge of our bodies. We decide who we canoodle with and who we do not. “No means no” is a pretty easy rule to follow. Other than that, we must recognize our animal instincts. We must also be aware of our highly evolved consciousness. We have urges and we also have inhibitions. I believe in a being open and honest about sexuality. Let’s just say I’m a huge Greta Christina fan.

Expression of sexuality does not equate to sexism; it really depends on far more details than that. For example, a feminist can enjoy being submissive in bed, that doesn’t mean she likes being stepped on in her career or other areas. Aside from that, in some other stories I’ve heard, I have felt bad for the guy being beat upon by (women in) society because of something another man did. That type of thing is unfair. If that thinking were applied to a race, it’d be racist. That is not the case here, but I just thought I’d put it out there anyway.

Personally, I have noticed more sexism in just about every community other than skeptics and atheists. My point of view; however, does not distract me that there is a problem. But I see a bigger problem with the lack of “color”. (Though, that post deals with a lack of women, not sexism, which are two different topics.) While sexism is still a problem in general society, I don’t see a larger problem specifically in skeptic communities. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I’m sure it does. We should definitely work to combat sexism everywhere.

The “no means no” rule is a standard that can apply to anyone or anything. If someone says “no”, then move along. Simple. Taking “no” for an answer is the respectable thing to do. As far as the specifics of this late elevator debacle, I still feel like I’m missing some vital information. No matter how many things I read about it, I feel like there has to be more. (I also understand that most of people’s conversations are about the actions that followed this incident, not the incident itself.)

Yet I don’t want to dwell on this specific incident but use it as a jumping off point. While sexism is a problem, expressing interest in someone is not necessarily sexist. It can be. It certainly can be but it isn’t inherently. It depends on many factors that differ from case to case.

So do you think that this “gate” will make TAM9 more or less exciting?

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Not quite short and sweet enough while in the midst of sexual pleasure? ;)

I’ve been asked before what atheists say during sex. Sometimes, I guess someone could be trying to be funny but it can sound derogatory.

Why is saying your partner’s name in bed such a foreign idea to some? I may have uttered “oh god” at some point in my life; I can’t be certain. Though, I never actually thought I was talking to some “other-worldly” being. It was just a thing I said.

When I was younger I thought the phrase “might as well” was “mine as well” for a brief period (until I thought about it reasonably). People misuse phrases all the time. We just say things that are what they are: menial sayings.

If they are living according to the holy book(s) some purport to, they shouldn’t be enjoying sex anyway (at least in the Abrahamic religions). Does that mean they’d be silent? Or talk about the weather? I may have not always been an out atheist but I was surely skeptical of the claims made by religion. If I ever said “oh god”, it was just a thing to say.

Is “oh god” the only thing theists ever say during sex? Is this why people are so shocked about Anthony Weiner’s tame dirty talk?

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